Lots of things hurt in the night. Things that are more bearable by daylight.
It has been almost a year since I have seen Maddix and Lily. They have been surgically removed. I am still stunned. I can probably count on the fingers of one hand the times that I will ever see them again. Lily's birthday is coming again. You have stolen a whole year of her from me. Why did you do this, Michael?
I press my fingers into my cheeks. I take slow breaths. Shallow. Do not disturb the alligator.
I think of Laurie in her chicken dress that Easter Sunday, with her curly head, standing in the tulips on my parent's lawn. She was so beautiful and I thought that everything was going to be okay. I thought that marrying David would turn him into Arthur. I thought that we would be Happy Family and I would be June Cleaver in a Marianne Faithful kind of way. I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't know anything. And I didn't do a very good job at any of it.
Eli has come out and climbed on the chair beside me.
I want to be another person and I am surprised because I always thought I liked me.What am I going to do now?
I locked my doors again tonight.